So last year instead of making a long list of resolutions that I would probably never fulfill, I chose one word and focused on that word. I will admit I almost completely forgot about it and went on with my life until I started to look back on my old blog posts and saw the One Word blog post from earlier in 2013. My word was Accept.
Most of my life I have never been good with moving on and accepting what has happened and over think everything. I dwell and continue to look into the past, but now... I'm proud to say that I've gotten better. I still think the world is out to get me some days and struggle with moving on, but just remembering that word and remembering my goal for 2013 helped me in some difficult situations.
I've never been good with accepting things. Accepting facts that are just plain in my face. Facts that I've known my whole life. Growing up in a Christian home, I was 'saved' at five years old. I don't remember it, I barely remember my own baptism. And that worried me. I was never really sure what to say when people asked me if I actually knew I was saved. Of course I knew the general answer, "I believe Christ died for my sins and rose again on the third day." But this year I began to wonder if I actually accepted it for myself. If I actually believed it. As I told my sister there is a huge difference between 'knowing' something and actually 'accepting' something. Just knowing isn't enough, you actually have to accept that this piece of knowledge is true. On November 24, 2013 I went to my pastor and told him I had to be saved.
It's difficult to explain a conversion experience to people who are not Christians. But even for myself, even I didn't know how I felt. It was very emotional and for a little while I felt the feeling of guilt. Guilt because I thought I was lying to everyone for all these years. I went to a bathroom stall and cried because I felt so much guilt. Not quite the feeling I thought I would feel. But I just thought back to the back room I was in and to the woman who spoke to me about salvation. She was a woman who has known me my whole life, she knew me since I was a little baby and yet she was kind and understanding. She did not judge me and she did not accuse me of being a hypocrite. It was after remembering that moment in the back room that I began to feel better and from then on it was either people judge me or they be happy for me. And people were so happy for me. I don't think I've cried in front of so many people.
I had gone from being clouded. That was how I feel like my life was like before, just clouded and unsure. Going from one thing that made me feel happy to another thing that made me happy. It was all about me being happy. I was enslaved to myself. It was all about what I wanted and what made me happy. After being so depressed before, I wanted to be happy. But God... He gave me another way to be happy. Not one that was like a drug, where you use it and you continue to use it until you begin to develop a love hate relationship with your drug. To non Christians, Christianity may seem like a prison. Filled with what you should and shouldn't do, but it's a relationship you and God. God loves every one of us (John 3:16). There is so much truth in the saying 'God hates the sin, but loves the sinner'. He offers a life in Heaven, a perfect life after we die, when you accept Him. No matter what you do, no matter what, we will have that perfect life. It is one of the most beautiful promises.
I think about about every year, but I am sad to see 2013 go away. 2013 was an awesome year for me. Yes, it was filled with growing pains. A lot of tears, a lot of sadness, a lot of happiness and laughs (thanks Beth ;). But as the great Doctor once said, "The way I see it, ever life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
So Stand Up.... there's my word. And what does it mean? Being such a passive person, I don't like conflict which has led to me not standing up for myself. That's why this year I'm preparing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in, and for those around me.
Here's to hoping 2014 will be just as awesome as 2013. So what's my plan for 2014? Well, stay in Okinawa until March, land in the States safely, survive my quarter of college, write more (update this blog more), and video each month (more on that later). There's the general plan. But we'll see what else life has in store.
So have a happy new year those of you in the Asia section of the world and happy soon to be new year to those of you in other areas!
